One size fits none?

Every year my lovely sister tags along with us on our Valentines Day date because her husband always works out of town. Every year she buys us something ridiculous and forces my husband and I to open them in a very crowded restaurant (one year it was a vibrating "male enhancement ring").

This year I was relieved to only find three thongs from La Senza wrapped up like lollipops. Not too shabby.

I wondered if she got me the right size but never put much thought into it after that until I finally pulled them out of my drawer this morning, the tag reads: "ONE SIZE".

Awesome. These tiny panties will totally hug my ass in all the right places.

I pull them on and the lace is quickly sucked into the squishier parts of my legs and post-baby stomach, making them practically disappear. This is exhilarating, if only my husband were here to see these magical sexy panties...

I'm running a little late for work so I throw on my dress on and hurry out the door forgetting that I still have Transformer underwear on. I run out to the the truck, buckle my son in and hop into the drivers seat.

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS FIRE CAST UPON MY ASS?


The magic panties have now lodged themselves in places underwear should never come into contact with and they are so tight I feel like I might die of auto-erotic asphyxiation. By this time it's too late and I've already started to drive down the street. There will be no going back home to change for me.

So I sit here at work, with a stick literally stuck up my ass. Look out world! It's going to be a great day!